Blog notes VI

Few days ago, I got an unusual experience. I was travelling by bus. It was late at night. It was strange mainly because I don't usually travel at night (by any means of transport) - not because I might be afraid to do that, but for the simple reason that in the night, I am not able to perceive the reality in a realistic manner: for me, it is either better or worse.

I was standing there, watching the persons around me. All of them looked so busy, so preoccupied, so ... many. I felt so lonely... At that moment, I thought that I didn't belong to this world.

I got eventually at home. There was nobody, as well. A dreadful feeling of loneliness and emptiness invaded my soul. I hated the deep darkness that surrounded me. I was looking for the light, trying to escape from this terrible state. I finally managed to get it, but the light itself wasn't enough to make my soul rest.

This extremely unpleasant sensation followed me all that night. It was terrible to realize that there was nobody who would wait for me, who would feel the need of my presence stronger than anything else in the world (as I always dreamed).

But the truth is that we are really selective: perhaps there are many restless souls, waiting for a sign from us, that we are not interested in. We need our presence to be necessary only for some of them (who are already chosen).

It is true that when we don't have any feelings for somebody (who does have) we behave in a cruel manner. But wouldn't it be better if we stopped doing that (and watch, hear, understand and give hope, instead)?

Blog notes V

I remember perfectly the first time I saw you. You were standing there, so proud and apparently insensitive, waiting for my words. What impressed me the most was your intense look. I started to speak. By the time I was revealing my story in the discourse I was engaged in, I saw your smile, both arrogant and encouraging. And that smile made me lose my words. For the first time in my life I didn't know what to say.

I felt you really strong. I was afraid; afraid of you. I knew that I would never dare to lie to you (when I say lie, I mean I would never say something which is not completely true). I was not able to recreate my reality so that I could feel protected. I felt disarmed by your gestures.

After a while, I saw you again. When I looked into your eyes I felt the same emotion that I experienced when I first met you. And that happened every time my eyes encountered your blue look.

Fortunately, your nicely spoken, but still impersonal words brought me to the real world. I realized that I had to make myself a Sentimental education, in order to escape from your spell. And this is not difficult at all. When thinking of those bad things that usually happen in the world, does it matter one's individual pain?

Well, I believe it depends on the individual's nature. When thinking (at least) about those children who don't have the chance to develop and show their intellectual potential, some of us might feel extremely sad. And others could encounter the happiness only because they don't have imagination at all.

Few words addressed to somebody special: to you

This time, I will be thinking about you - the readers who discover patiently the ideas I want to share, agreeing or disagreeing, but still waiting for my next article.

There are some people strongly anchored in the real life. Those persons may consider my blog a blog about nothing or, at least, a blog about nothing important. I cannot blame them, since for a truly pragmatic person there is no time left to dream, imagine, think and question.

There is another category of people, whom the articles from my blog address to, mainly anchored in a special existence, extremely different from the real life. These types of persons usually read my notes, understand them and think about the meaning of my written words. I must confess that these persons, who do have a special relation to the world of ideas, are the main reason why I am still writing. And I will be writing as long as there will be somebody waiting for my texts.

My existence is split in two: on the one hand, I am living in the real world, doing things that should be done. This is the main reason why I can understand the pragmatic minds around us. On the other hand, I belong to an unreal world, a special world that only few people have access to. This is a sort of matrix, a shelter that can protect me from both others' unfriendly attitudes and my uninspired decisions (sometimes) .

This world, so different from that one we are used to, is all that matters, because it helps us develop our sensitiveness and creativity. And I am sure of it that it is worth spending all our lives trying to find a way to gain access to it.

Blog notes IV

Every time I write about you something strange happens: your image either becomes stronger, and there is no chance for me to escape from the spell, or it fades away, being replaced by another one (which usually is more better - because it is an ideal one, a fictionalized figure). When your image is growing weaker, I am thinking that I am on the right path. When it is too strong, I simply remember things that happened. I remember every single word you said, every gesture, every move you made. I really hate it that I have such a good memory!

What I admire most is your great character, that power and energy that make you special. On the other hand, I know perfectly that I will consider you interesting as long as I feel your strength. Show me that your arms are strong enough to hold me! Don't ever show me that you are weak, otherwise you will become an ideal that is going to be destroyed.

In a relationship there is always somebody who kisses and the other one who turns the cheek to be kissed. I used to be kissed. I only played the Queen of Hearts role, having the feeling that I deserved everything. I believed in me too much. And now, when I feel the need to kiss, I am afraid to do it. I am afraid that I will be rejected, I am afraid that you won't like my kiss. And if that happened, it would make my blood freeze. How much I do understand what I didn't before.

I used to dream a lot. In fact, I am still dreaming... I am living in my imagery world, dreaming of you. But your icy look always brings me back to the real life. Your impersonal and formal words, although so nicely spoken, will always destroy the magic. I am not supposed to dream.

I learnt my lesson well. I noticed that it is much better to stay with the person who is following you, making you feel bored, than to run after somebody, making them feel bored.

And if I eventually cause myself to forget everything about you, why am I so sad when I am thinking that you will not be in my dreams any longer?

Blog notes III

In one of his books, that teacher of mine about whom I told you last week compares Don Juan with Faust, writing that Don Juan's Love is a sport, but Faust's Love is an experience of knowledge. I couldn't agree more. Don Juan is an adventurer travelling the world, being in Love with the appearance of life, but Faust is an extremely profound figure, whose soul is so composite that you could hardly imagine anything but his love for the essence of life.

Unfortunately, nowadays, most of young men take Don Juan as an example instead of Faust, but we hope that they will gradually change at some time or other.

Faust's strongest wish is to understand the great mysteries that will remain unrevealed to others. He made a huge sacrifice following his strong desire of being different, of being what we call a Genius.

By loving Gretchen, that pure young girl, he tries to reach a superior understanding of life. He tries to know himself better by means of her love. The real love implies the strong desire of being reflected in the other one's eyes, having the feeling that nothing else matters.

Do you know why the love between Faust and Gretchen didn't resist in this world? Because they were very different. He was so ambitious, risking anything to accomplish his mission, to gain infinite knowledge - she was so pure, a figure without the minimum courage to assume any risk. He was flying - she was trudging, walking under the powerful influence of the gravity.

Think about what could it happen if their souls were very similar! They would have been together both in this world and in the other one (no matter what this could mean). And this is our dream. We all need to find somebody just like us. And that person ought to have all the qualities we have and expect from them, as well.

What happens when you choose a person different from yourself? Well, unfortunately, later or soon you begin to feel disappointed, you lose the admiration you used to feel and all ends up very painful.

I wonder why we feel attracted by the wrong persons. It is so difficult to make the right decision. On the other hand, once made, the action is quite irreversible. It takes more than courage and great effort to come back on your feet again, because it will always remain a wound or, if you are lucky, a scar in your soul.

I have a wound and I hope that it will become a scar in short time from now on. I have to learn to be strong, to learn to avoid waiting for my life to pass, being interested only by the moments when I could see your eyes, wondering whether you know my name, wondering whether you remember me just a little bit. It's amazing how a person whom you didn't even touch so far could step so deep into your world, becoming a part of you, isn't it?

But all that is born later or soon will die. And so will happen to our feelings. What may be painful today could make you smile tomorrow, because Everything Changes.

Blog notes II

A great teacher of mine used to say that by reading you will estrange yourself from Death. I am saying that not only by reading, but also by writing you will estrange yourself from Death. Do you know why? Because what is written will always remain. Your deepest thoughts, your inner feelings will take shape and everybody will have access to them, will agree or disagree, will have a natural empathy or even the opposite. Even though once written, the words will not belong to you anymore, but to those who will use them when reading your ideas, a little piece of your heart will be there, embodied in the letters.

I must confess that I am not writing to get away from Death. What is Death? Probably we will never know for sure. It could be an ending but also a beginning, because every ending is a beginning of something different. And that something different could be even much better than our ordinary lives.

Have you ever thought about what could it happen when the body fails to support the energy of our souls? Well, the body remains in its position (and it becomes no longer important) and the spirit will be searching for something better. I am saying better, because we ought to believe that it will be an evolution (not an involution).

Think about this passing to a different level. It could be a painful process, or not. If not, you will probably notice the difference at some time or other. If there is great pain, think about it as a natural state. The pain generated by a damaged body could be the same as the pain that a new-born child (or an unborn child) may feel. So, the agony of the alteration and the ecstasy of the regeneration will merge.

As I have already said, I am not writing to estrange myself from Death. I am doing that in order to heal my soul, to escape from the obsession of an image both afflicting and beloved. I need to educate myself, to get away from the strong desire of looking into those capricious eyes that could send me in Heaven or Hell. There is a long way out but I hope I will eventually have my soul healed.

Blog notes I

I always liked to travel by bus. I find really interesting sitting and watching people around me, especially in the morning. Everyone looks so preoccupied, so absorbed in thoughts. I wonder whether they are married or single, whether they have got any children, whether there is somebody in the evening waiting for them to come home. It's such a good feeling to come home knowing that there is someone who is waiting for you, or somebody who ought to come.

I wonder whether people have dreams. Are they fighting for an ideal? Do they wake up in the morning with the feeling that this day will be the one in which they will accomplish what they set out to do? I wonder how much their work is worth. Do they like what they are doing or it's just an everyday routine? Are they allowed to create? Are they willing to create? Are they searching for something that has not been found so far? Or, are they waiting for the next day to come, hoping that it will be a lucky one? Do they write history or their fate is already written?

Have you ever got the feeling that you know very well somebody you just met? Have you encountered a person, a stranger, to whom you changed a few words, having the feeling that you know that person for years? Or, have you felt that you needn't talk to that person, because their blue look was more than enough? Why is it happening? Perhaps because you have already found everything you need to know about that person, and all the rest is worthless stuff.

Then, why do you live all your life with a person without knowing their soul, their deepest feelings?

Few things that ought to be universally acknowledged

All our lives we are searching for something. It could be something related to money, fame, knowledge or, why not, Love. But the real problem with us is that we are never satisfied with our achievements. We will always make the effort to gain fortune, to become important persons and to have a personal life, as well, but it will never be enough. We will always want more. And do you know why? Because this is human nature. We will always be fond of what we don't have or what is extremely difficult to be obtained.

In my case, material temptation didn't influence my life at all. My interest is above all this attempts to make the life easier (which seem to be so important for most of people). But the real thing that did influence my existence is the strong desire of being an educated person. I always wanted to know more than everybody around me. This is the reason why I dedicated my life to study.

To acquire knowledge I made big sacrifices - I sacrificed my time and my energy in order to get something more important: the state of perfection. Unfortunately, I am aware that even if I do know more than the people around me, I don't know anything really important. Why? Because the human condition is extremely limited. And it is obvious that we ought to invest more than time and effort to get beyond the common.

That reminds me of Faust, that legendary character, symbolizing the strong desire of transcending human condition by means of reason. This character represents mankind's effort to get the state of completion and perfection.

Faust had sold his soul to the Devil in exchange for knowledge and power. It sounds equitable for me, because without the Pact, he would never found out the great mysteries that would always remain unrevealed to mortals.

Faust made the supreme sacrifice (he assumed the nothingness risk) in order to gain unlimited knowledge.

Can we do something similar? Can we give up our condition for something different that could define us in a different manner?

A perfect example to follow - Part Two

As I told you last week, the two protagonists of the Torrents, Jan and Sigrid, both had a stunning physical aspect: his blue eyes could put a spell on any girl around him - her green look would made countless victims all her life.

But the physical aspect is only the beginning. They were brilliant not only because of their astonishing features, but also for that special mark of distinction they had. In their case, the appearance and the essence merged: they both were highly intelligent persons. Their high level of mental ability allowed them to understand, to dominate and to create.

I will try to paraphrase few quotations from the text that would support my ideas.

I already told you that self-fashioning was very important for Jan. He would always say that a real person is a student forever. It means that we ought to make great effort to shape our personality, to become better persons (in other words, we should try to be well-prepared individuals and eager to surpass ourselves).

Sigrid always believed that they were born to fly very high, and not to trudge. And so they did, but unfortunately, her wings got broken.

It is Jan who could never escape from her spell - Sigrid would always remain his muse.

Jan's distinction would always make victims among the countless patients he had. Almost all the ladies who received medical treatment from him fell victim to his charm.

Unfortunately, we are not told how Jan perceived the women around him. (Please notice that he was fully aware of the impact that his apparition had upon the ladies).

In my opinion, for Jan (as a doctor), the woman is both the subject and the object of his attention.

But can a doctor delimit the scientific interest from the emotion he may feel by seeing a lovely face?

A perfect example to follow - Part One

As I promised last week, today I'll tell you few words about Jan Yvarsen, a very strong character that completely influenced my perception of the world.

Jan is the main character of the Marie Anne Desmarest's novel, Torrents, a long written story in which we can see Jan as a child who discovers the world, an adolescent who feels the first thrills of love and finally, a mature person who takes decisions and goes straight ahead.

At the beginning of the novel, we see Jan as an orphan from an early age, living with his aunt Brita and his cousin, Sigrid, the character that had a huge influence in Jan's destiny. The fact that Jan was an orphan had a great importance in his life's development: he learned all by himself both how to handle difficult situations and how to shape his personality.

Jan and Sigrid were raised together, they both received a solid education that made them brilliant. Every person around them was sensitive to the spell of their appearance.

His first love was (of course) Sigrid, a very beautiful lady who would do anything (even really bad things) to protect the relationship she had with Jan.

They were supposed to get married, when the fate attacked: they were separated by a minor incident (I invite you to discover the event that made them separate).

Without thinking very much, Jan leaves his native country, going to Transvaal, a wild region, where he becames a real saviour for the poor people that live there (I already told you last week that he was a brilliant doctor). Under the impulse of the moment, he marries Ide, a girl of a modest condition who absolutely worshipped him, who lived only to see his blue sight.

Although he put thousands of kilometres between him and Sigrid, he never succeeded to escape from her spell. He is cursed to dream about that stunning lady all his life.

The terrible things that Sigrid made to get Jan back to her separated them for good. Jan's superior condition didn't allow him to forget and especially to forgive her.

He marries again: this time, Therese would bring him peace and stability. Therese made him to modify his obsession for Sigrid into a secret and intimate feeling that would always remain hidden.

Jan chooses equilibrium and stability instead of passion and desire. And so did Cathy Earnshaw from Wuthering Heights (I told you few words about her two weeks ago).

In this world, both Jan and Cathy decided that reason and sensibility (not inner genuine feelings) must rule their lives. But in the world of shaddows, Cathy decided to reject reason and to accept passion.

In the world that makes all our sins fade away, in that world, what do you think Jan would choose?

Some things that may apply to you, as well

I have always wanted to be an important person. Nothing new so far, isn't it? We all want to be important persons, but the main difference is that only few people actually do something to improve the way they live.

My life was not an easy one. I had very much to work, to learn, and the most important thing, I made a big effort to avoid temptations (of any kind), that could have a negative impact on my life.

One of the main things that I realized is that I ought to invest all I have in education. Since I was a child, I was surrounded by a lot of books, the only friends that have never disappointed me. I strongly recommend that you should try to find support in a good book.

By reading a lot, I found many characters that had a huge impact on my life. For example, when I read Marie-Anne Desmarest's novel, I was fascinated by the personality of the main character, Jan Yvarsen, a successful doctor, deeply concerned with education and self improvement. The idea is that, by analyzing Jan's figure, I understood the great importance of being cultured and refined. Maybe, next time, I will tell you few words about this character.

Later on, I was eager to become a lady, a beautiful, polished and sophisticated one (just like Sigrid, the angel-demon self, a stunning image, a maiden out of this world that marked Jan's life).

When I read Alexandre Dumas's novel, I wanted to be just like Marguerite Gauthier. Please, don't get me wrong: I wanted to be really loved by a man. By a man that would do anything to see my face once again.

By reading Jane Austen's novel, Pride and prejudice, I realized that the most important things that I should do are: to establish my priorities, to try to achieve success and to learn to say no in a delicate manner.

What have you learnt by reading a book?

Wuthering Heights - The two men in Cathy's life

The whole story focuses on Cathy's destiny: we see her as a child, an adolescent and finally a beautiful lady. Cathy's life is described in relation to the two men that marked her existence: Heathcliff and Edgar Linton, symbolizing passion and desire in opposition to rationality and control.

The first, Heathcliff, enters the story as a little gipsy brought by Cathy's father from Liverpool and raised by the family. A very strong attachment will grow between Cathy and Heathcliff, out of the pressure exerted by other members of the family (and not only), in order to force them apart - they will always be together against the world. We will notice that later on, this pure childish affection will grow into something greater.

Cathy is portrayed from the beginning as a wild, rebellious and passionate unconventional character (think about the notes she made on the Testament's pages), an outsider, a female who, just like Heathcliff, lives in the civilised world, but does not entirely belong to it.

The latter, Edgar, is described as a real gentleman, an educated and polished young man, a sophisticate person, although a little cold and distant. He appears when the two adolescents (Cathy and Heathcliff) first visit Linton's house, Grange.

The primitive Heathcliff is unaffected by the magic nature of the Grange, but Catherine is torn between opposing feelings: on the one hand, there are both the sensitive and imaginative nature of Heathcliff and the deep affection she has for him - on the other hand, the polished manners and the social status of Edgar.

So, Cathy undergoes a metamorphosis which will never be complete: she is half-turned into a lady. On the one hand, this will separate her from Heathcliff - on the other hand, it will make her be attracted to Linton, and eventually to marry him.

While the relationship between Cathy and Heathcliff is depicted as one of identity, (Heathcliff confesses he cannot live without Catherine, who is his soul, while Catherine reveals a similar sense of complete identification with Heathcliff: I am Heathcliff) the relationship between Cathy and Edgar is described as a group of clichés which can hardly express sincere feeling (she chooses Linton for what he stands for, not for what he is).

Cathy uses metaphors to describe the two men in her life: Edgar's soul is as different from Heathcliff's soul as a moonbeam from lightning, or frost from fire (we encounter here only contrasts).

The fact that Heathcliff is seen by everybody as degraded worsened their relationship (Cathy declares: It would degrade me to marry Heathcliff).

In contrast to Heathcliff, Linton is portrayed as an educated and wealthy young man. By marrying him, she hoped to gain also material independence for Heathcliff - that is certainly unfair for Edgar. I wonder whether Cathy felt guilty (just a little bit) because of her feelings and wishes (probably we will never know for sure).

I am sure of it that you cannot divide your heart equally: you can choose either sensitivity and passion or stability and sensibility (and the ending of the novel shows us what Cathy will choose). The last part of the story shows us a Cathy whose soul is hurt, whose heart is broken, a Cathy tired from her life who wants to come back to her childhood, to come back to that time when there were no troubles.

Cathy dies because that is the only way of renewing her bond with Heathcliff : anything is worth sacrificing for their love.

Her passion is shared by Heathcliff: when Cathy dies, Heathcliff prays she may not have rest until he himself is dead: he begs her to haunt him. Having the intention of being reunited with Catherine, Heathcliff passes with no regret into the world of shadows.

Heathcliff and Catherine are finally reunited in death.

Why literature?

In my opinion, literature is one of the most important values that we should cherish. I am sure of it and I will try to explain the reason why we can find great importance in literary works.

It is universally acknowledged that we all need models to follow. In literary creations we can encounter exponential values that we could either adopt or reject. If you analyze carefully the behaviour of one particular figure, you can find either things that are worth a lot or even the opposite.

On the other hand, by examining very carefully every detail in the character's life, you will get a better understanding of your past, present and, why not, your future situation. The whole point is to manage to choose the right figure. If you succeed in finding such a character, you will have either the feeling of a natural empathy or the impression of a strange identity.

I know that critics may not agree with me, but isn't it an exciting way of reading literary works?

Literary characters may help us shape our personality. Self-fashioning is the most important thing that we ought to do in our lives. We should always try to improve the way we see and hear everything around us - to improve the way we perceive the reality. If we do not see and hear anything, then we must learn to do that. As far as I am concerned, this is the most important lesson that we have to learn: to become sensible and especially sensitive to the needs of the persons around us and to do our best to help.